Classics Revisited (file under Tuning in and letting go)

This past year has been one of massive change for me. My life has been as storied as any of the greatest comedies and tragedies. I was brought into the world at a pivotal moment and became a younger brother to a brother and sister and an older brother to three brothers and two sisters. My parents divorced at a pivotal moment in my life and this jaded me to much of what I saw around me. It provided me with insight into love, life, the way that the world operates and caused me to withdraw heavily from most of what I did.

The divorce and the resultant years of turmoil left me with more questions than answers. It caused me to create a dream world where everything was champagne and caviar because what I was dealing with was so emotionally damning for myself that I needed an escape. As I got older that escape became less dependant on dream worlds and more dependant on the very real (though no less insane) experiences that I was having. I’ve worked in the surreal world of advertising and politics. I had always found great discontent with anything I was doing because the reward was not for the world and certainly not for me. As a result I’ve also held numerous unglamorous jobs which had left me wanting and waiting. I was a mess, a real mess, trying to sort out my life, what it meant to be part of a family, dealing with the daily struggle of ups and downs. Last year however this all changed…

I began to look at my life as it related to my own relationship. I’m dearly and passionately in love with my fiancé C. She has been the greatest gift I have ever been given. She gave me grounding. She would and still does allow me to look at myself through the lens of reality in a way that allows me to face myself. Up until last year I had only tried to face myself. Yet in the last six months I have faced myself. I have challenged myself to become the man that I always wanted to be (and in fact was deep inside). As I looked at my relationship I knew that I needed to find something to do with my life which was rewarding to me as there could be no reward for anyone else if I continued on the miserable path that I was on. As such, as I’ve said before I woke up in November of 2007 and bit the bullet. I found myself looking into the mirror, my soul and my life and realized that my destiny was in the kitchen.

As I made this realization I started doing my due diligence and exploring where I wanted to be, with whom and why. The list was small and I did in fact land where I wanted to. Though the hours are long and hard, they are by far the most rewarding that I’ve ever had (minus the time that I’ve spent working with children in numerous capacities, Counselor, the Hugh McMillan Centre, Karate Instructor, etc.). Landing where I did caused me to do an internal evaluation of me. I retreated as so often I have into books. I’ve written countless volumes since my parents divorce in all kinds of capacities. I’ve written for politicians, advertising companies and myself. At last guess I would say that I’ve written well over one hundred and fifty thousand pages of various sizes and shapes.

Retreating into books, I’ve found that the subjects, subconsciously were all directing me toward a deeper and more complete understanding of myself. Since January my reading has included (but certainly is not limited to);

The Bible (About one third done)
The Koran (ditto)
The Bhagavad Gita
Ulysses
The Portrait of Dorian Grey
War and Peace
Crime and Punishment
Catch 22
Slaughterhouse Five
The Great Gatsby
The Beautiful and the Damned
A Moveable Feast
Food in History
Candide
The Art of Virtue

I’ve also read all kinds of books for spiritual advice including those by Elizabeth Gilbert, Osho, Confucius and many many more not to mention the countless volumes on the kitchen I've ripped through

My choice to return to the classics is heavily indicative of the strong influence my mother had on me. She is a Saint in every sense of the word and gave to me a great gift in my love of reading. From the list, if any of you have read some or all of these, each has a character with a Shakespearean fatal flaw. I recognize the fatal flaws in each as my own and that caused me to reevaluate my life even as I embarked on the wonderful journey I am on now.

That said, I wrote last week on my butcher paper that I am purging myself of the ugliness of my past. I am absolving myself of my sins and returning to myself as I have always envisioned. I outwardly manifest this and will continue to for the rest of my days. It has not been easy to come to this point. Nor will it always be easy but I think that I have discovered as my next tattoo will be (I’ve said it for a long time) the Latin “Nosce Te Ipsum,” which translates to Know Thyself. I don’t think it is easy to know yourself but as I continue to grow comfortable in my own shell and with the life that I’ve chosen to live I acknowledge it every time I step out my door and into the kitchen. I now know myself, recognize and work toward bettering my flaws and have come to know for certain that life’s reward is dependant on me and no one else.

I hope that in all of this, you, my readers can see, that my exploration of brutal honesty with regard to me, my past and my future are the hallmarks of a man that is coming into his own. So hold on, the ride may be bumpy, but it certainly is going to continue to be the honest representation of what it means to be me.

As I wrote on my butcher paper on May 15th;

Feelings of abandonment,
Remnants of a childhood,
Scarred by disappointment,
Of familial longing,
And the fear of separation,
Have too long diminished my character,
And left me wanting,
Shaping me in an ineffectual way,
Inconsistent with whom I am on the inside,
Now is the time,
To nip it in the bud,
To press ahead full tilt,
Creating the life I want,
Rooted in truth,
And acceptance of what I am,
And my daily struggle for what I choose to be,
I will no longer be victim to my past,
And instead OWN my future,
No longer a fifteen year old boy,
I must now be a thirty three year old man,
Transformation begun,
I will now find peace,
In understanding,

ME!

A famous surgeon, an innovator, Dr. Alexis Carrel once said; “Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor.” I have suffered and may still do but now I move forward like Michelangelo. I hope you can too.

Dream Inspired and BIG!

A la prochaine

SDM

Mexico (file under recharging batteries and celebrating love)

So my loyal readers, I apologize for not being able to write but as you know I was on vacation celebrating the wedding of C and I’s friends L & C. CONGRATULATIONS guys. It was wonderful to be there with you to celebrate such an auspicious occasion and I feel honoured to have been a small part of it.

Mexico was amazing. We stayed at the Azul Beach Resort (http://www.karismahotels.com/azul/ ). The setting was the amazing Mayan Riviera. We were staying in Puerto Moreles and truly it was great to get away from the daily grind. When we got there it was late at night and we couldn’t really get the full majesty of the place. The gracious and beautiful L who was happy as a clam and ready to start full tilt the adventure of the next week met us at the entrance. One by one the wedding celebrants all came to the front to welcome us and then it was on to the bar.







The resort was all inclusive and had a great selection of booze. The food, as you might suspect was not the greatest but I do at least give it a B. The service was exemplary and the attitude of those that worked at the resort was great. Not once did I feel as if the staff was trying to elicit a tip from us and I felt absolutely no pressure at all as I have in other resorts.

I woke up each morning and spent time collecting my thoughts. Analyzing the last few months and indeed the whole of my life experience to date. I would wake up at around 6:30 every morning and find myself walking along the beach with Catch 22 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catch-22 ). I would walk for a while, take some pictures and then head to the main bar where coffee was dutifully waiting.

I would spend the next couple of hours lazing on a leather swing bed watching the sunrise, drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, reading my book or the Miami Herald. It was interesting each and every morning, as I would sit there reading, largely quiet (I know, shocking isn’t it) and just enjoy the morning serenity. I’m certain that most people go on vacation and sleep in but I’m not built that way. Lazing, reading, and walking are moments of serenity that have been too far and few in my life and I seize the moment (Carpe Diem) every chance I get.

I would then walk back to the room and stir C. Shower, put on my suntan lotion and get ready for the daily action. This action usually included breakfast, meeting up with everyone and then going to sit on the beach in beautiful beds and beach chairs waiting to be served by our beach butlers who I must say were fantastic. There is something quite extraordinary about having someone come up to you to deliver a triple Grey Goose (http://www.greygoose.com/main.php?cid=2 ) on ice with two limes. This is the first time I’ve been on vacation that I haven’t turned into an absolute retard with regard to my booze consumption. After all I do have to keep the Irish gene at bay. I did however imbibe so much that the staff at the resort started to call me Mr. Goose. Not once was I drunk the entire time that we were away AND it felt fantastic both because it physically felt good and mentally because I knew I hadn’t made a complete ass of myself.

C and I spent the first couple of days lazing, playing volleyball, sipping drinks, reveling with everyone and just plain enjoying ourselves. On the Monday it was off to Chichen Itza (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chichen_Itza ) which was AMAZING. As you can tell from the pictures. On the way we stopped at a little Tacqueiria (sp?) and enjoyed probably the second best meal we had the entire time we were there.







It was nice for us to have some time to ourselves for sure. But now the big show.

C & L, again, thank you so much for including us in your day. L you were truly beautiful and I felt blessed and honoured to be included in taking the pre pics for you. I hope that you like them. C, it also was amazing to sit there and play poker with you prior to the big moment. Though I don’t much like loosing.

The setting was gorgeous. The ceremony beautiful. The bride and groom gorgeous and handsome respectively. The dinner was amazing. And on a side note, your parents are absolutely beautiful people who I am grateful to have had the privilege to meet and I hope to again one day soon. You guys sure know how to throw a party.

On this vacation I spent a lot of time reflecting. And a lot of time speaking (unfortunately). Some of it was good speaking and some of it reminded me of a lost fifteen year old boy who was unsure and looking for his way in the world.

I have always been too intelligent for my own good and that coupled with the fact that I WANT everyone to like me usually gets me into trouble. This is why the other day I said that Gatsby and I have parted company. It is for this reason that I owe a massive debt of gratitude to both C and L for accepting me as I was, as I am and as I will be. You are true friends and I feel fortunate to have you in my life.

Over the course of the week I realized that I was hiding and reverting a bit into the me that I did not like. However, upon reflection I realize that I needed to have that moment in order to grow as a human and a man. And I am constantly in a state of growth.

So, that is Mexico in a nutshell. I will be back momentarily with a synopsis of my crazy busy week.

Again thank you to all for the fun, the love, the beauty and helping me discover me.

Tolstoy once said; “Some mathematician has said pleasure lies not in discovering truth, but in seeking it.”

A la prochaine

SDM