Happy Anniversary & Self Disappointment (file under FOCUS)

Fist off. Happy Anniversary C! 6 glorious years together and many more to come as we pursue our dreams, our love and each other ever more. YOU ARE THE BEST!

So my day started off well enough. In fact I had had a pretty good day. Though I felt lonely and was thinking of my love all day I was really on fire. I figured the best way I could honour her was to do my absolute best. Which I did until the very end of my day (more on this later).

Even in the short amount of time that I have been at Reservation I have watched as my skills have improved. Think of it kind of like being a child. First you intuitively realize that you can get parts of your body to move where you want them. Then you start to crawl. Then you think that you can stand and you fall down. Finally one day your legs seem ready, your entire body is focused on standing up on your own. Then you fall… Hard! But because you are a child, and you don’t know any better or any worse you get back up and after a few attempts you actually walk a few feet from Mommy to Daddy or vice versa. Well in reality what I am going through right now is no different. Save that I am conscious of what I am doing AND that my consciousness gets in the way.

I think about it like this… I came into the kitchen with only my personal experience. Most of which was far and away not what the kitchen should be. My knife skills were horrible. My Mise en Place was MERDE!!!!! My cleaning was atrocious. I was basically like a little child with no clue. But conscious. Then I started and the first day I realized that I could control my muscles. Muscles that are quite different than the muscles that I had used before. This made my arms and hands tired, calloused, cut and bruised. But like a child I kept going. I made the decision a long time ago that this was my dream and that I would do whatever it takes. This lessened the blows to both my body and spirit (though the blows still exist). Like the line from the Matrix when Neo goes to see the Oracle and the little Buddhist boy is there; “There is no spoon!” After week one my hands started doing what I wanted them to not the other way around. This is akin to starting to crawl. Now my knife skills are getting close to the walking point and eventually I will run. I look forward to running but first I want to be able to walk. Slow, deliberate and conscious of what I am doing I am witness to my own transformation AND loving it!

I learned how to make a dark chicken stock today. It is a little different from the Veal stock (naturally) but it is thrilling that I now know the basic principles behind stock making and that I have gone from being relatively slow in the assembly to knowing where things are and getting it done. I LOVE GETTING THINGS CROSSED OF MY LIST! A list is one of the most important tools a chef can use. Over the course of a day there may be five hundred things that need to get done and if it is only in your head it is easy to get confused, lost or worse forget thereby screwing you up at a moment when you have no time or ability to fix the mistake. As such (though I’ve never been a lister just ask C) I am now duteous and record my lists and cross everything off as I go.

The day went by rather quickly. It was filled with my usual prep and lots more. After I was done all my work I asked if I could punch out to watch the line. Naturally (it is February after all) we were not that busy so my ability to watch the line in action was limited. As such I asked Head Chef if I might be able to go for a glass of wine in our sister restaurant to celebrate my anniversary (and to wait for the stocks I was working on to be ready so I could package them away). So I went over and had an exceptional glass of wine. Head Chef noticed that I was writing on “his butcher paper” and asked what I was doing. I explained and told him that as long as I was with him I would probably use a lot and was willing to buy a role. He refused my offer but asked me to do something for him (which I will) but I will not share it here, as it is deeply personal. He proceeded to explain a few things to me seizing the moment to chat.

He explained the differences between he and Exec Chef as he saw them. As well as everyone else in the kitchen. He then asked me what he had given me; to which I responded a chance by allowing me into his kitchen. He let me know that I was wrong; that he in fact had not given me that, that I had sought out the kitchen and came to him. He then asked the question again and I answered knowledge. Again he proceeded to tell me something that was just for me but it made me feel very good and gave me further insight into him and the dynamic of the restaurant. Head Chef also let me know that I am the best person and most knowledgable about making stocks in his kitchen. He asked who was more knowledgable and I answered everyone to which eh said no. I said he was and he said yes I’ve given you the knowledge but you are the person that is doing it day in and day out in the kitchen with the recipe. IT FELT AWESOME HEARING THAT!

Head Chef came back and asked after a few minutes if I would like to help plate a very special dinner we were hosting for Garland (www.garlandcanada.ca). Naturally, I said of course. Jumped up finishing my wine, ran back in to change into my whites and then like a kid in a candy store waited diligently watching and waiting.

When the time came I was extremely excited and as I was plating the appetizer course everything was fine with the first plates. I plated half fairly quickly (though still not quick enough… think crawling). I went to switch to the other plate holding the scallops when tragedy struck.

In super slow motion as I was passing behind Exec Chef, my hands were trembling, I watched as the plate of 11 scallops decided to do a triple lutz and land on its ass even worse than Tanya Harding on Olympic tryouts. I had screwed up half the appetizers for an important dinner. It was insane as I replayed the incident over in my mind at least thirty times in the next ten minutes and could not understand for the life of me how it dropped. I felt like an idiot, moronic and started beating myself up right away.

You’ll recall that I wrote a while ago about how Exec Chef had told me to watch how both he and Head Chef deal with adverse issues quickly. That this was a skill that separates those who are good. How they deal with adversity in a time crunch. In this case before I had even known it I had made a count of the plates, told Head Chef and he started the work on the 11 that I dropped (fresh naturally as I threw out the ones that fell). After that was done I had time to reflect. I didn’t plate the last 11 but I did do the garnish. I leaned up against the mixer and Exec Chef noticed that my head was not in the right spot. He looked right at me and said; “Stop lamenting!” I got his meaning right away but was not able to shake it. As such I moved on to the jobs that I had stayed to finish and then packed myself up and left.

What did I learn from this experience? First. At least for now, no wine while working at plating (even if I am off the clock). Secondly, do not tuck tail and run. Find the solution. First try to find the elegant solution. If there is not one find one that works as soon as possible. Third, do not run period. Do your job. Stay on point and on the line. There is very little that cannot be accomplished in you keep your head in the game.

I am meant to be where I am. I was born to be in a kitchen. I am passionate, hard working, extremely motivated to learn and I want to be on the line. BUT, not before I am ready! I have put my trust in both Exec Chef and Head Chef as they have in me. I know that they will not let me down and I know that I will work tirelessly, without complaint, to not let them down.

That said, I’ve included a picture in this post of how Head Chef explained something to me and my locker and a sample of what food we serve looks like. Obviously I blacked out the names on the lockers.






Moreover, I think that this quote from General George S. Patton; “I do not fear failure. I only fear the "slowing up" of the engine inside of me which is pounding, saying, "Keep going, someone must be on top, why not you?"” Indeed, why not me?



And why not you? Be inspired today, dream big and work towards that dream.

A la prochaine

SDM

Lunar Eclipse, The Shine of Love and Working the Line! (File under Great Day though lonely)

In a scant few hours my love and I will be celebrating six glorious, wonderful, magnificent and inspiring years together. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BABE, in prolepsis I await your triumphant return and the life that we will share together in pursuit of our betterment and our individual and collective dreams. You are my raison d’etre and I am always grateful and humbled by your love. I miss you!

Last night was both a full moon and a full lunar eclipse. I took a few pics that are included in this post. I hope everyone else had the incredible experience that I did. I wondered what it was like long ago when people could not explain what was going on. I wondered if there was pandemonium, fear, anxiety or calm. For me I find it very calming and in fact quite inspiring. For some reason I am pretty tied into the moon. When it is full I get a little weird but last night I was all smiles, laughter and joy. Possibly because I knew that the next one would see me married, buying a home, starting a family and one day closer to fulfilling my ultimate dream. Good times and feelings!




Today was a great day! I arrived an hour early for my shift and got right to work. I had to get the remoulage off and start combining it with my stock from yesterday. I then started to prepare for a big party we have this weekend that is sure to keep me very busy. But with L (the Machin’ as I’ve taken to calling him) it will pass in no time. He is quite funny and is appreciative of my experience level and that I am trying. He does pick my brain on all kinds of political and historical stuff. World events etc. But the way I see it it is a fair trade (that and I’ve learned not to be so brash about it) in that he is teaching me all he knows too.

I just wanted to touch on the theme of family again. I grew up in a very large family. There were always comings and goings, ups and downs, trials and tribulations. But family always finds a way to make it through. To survive. It actually is a very interesting dynamic to families that almost anything can happen and then core will find a way (though at times it is super difficult) to remain intact. In the kitchen (which I haven’t touched on much yet but will now) there is a high degree of stress. There is pressure to deliver on time, deliver quality, deliver preparations, deliver all of yourself openly so that it is reflected in the food (and in the front of house the service). Although there is a little disconnect between the Front of House and the back it is generally understood that a kitchen operates the way it does out of necessity.

The day starts off at a pretty easy pace. Everyone staggers in at various times (stagger meaning time not hung-over although… Just kidding). Each has his or her own ritual. Coffee, cigarette, read the day sheets, whatever it is. The pace after a couple of hours picks up steam as there is a greater sense of urgency and the desire to get as much crossed off your prep list as possible. By late afternoon there is a serious buzz. People are all crossing each other; “Behind… Hot pot… Hot… Beside,” etc. If you can imagine an entire colony of ants, or termites, all working at their task with very little necessary communication that is precisely what a kitchen is like. However due to the nature of the work, the stress and the ‘family’ atmosphere there is lots of good natured ribbing, dirty talk, laughter and yes even anger. But like I have practiced for my whole life. It is momentary and passes. Deal with it. MOVE ON! Watching this a few times over the past few weeks I have marveled at how exact the two families operate; My blood family and now my chosen family. It really is cool!

So this morning I dealt with the things I do everyday and then had to make fruit compote (SO DELICIOUS) and a few other things. Head Chef let S know that when I was done the few things that I was doing that it was his turn to give me some tasks. Sure enough when I was done it was time to learn how to make a new stock! It was a fish stock and involves a lot of detail. As always, I’m not going to divulge how it is done but as always I paid careful attention and was happy with the finished product. It doesn’t take as long as Veal stock. In fact you can go from start to finish in less than a days work.

We weren’t so busy today and as a result I did what was asked of me (and more) and then asked if it would be alright if I punched out and watched the line. The answer was of course and I was excited. When we aren’t so busy it becomes a little easier to observe things. Of course the pace is a little slower which is helpful but I really want to get a handle on how it works in real time. I learned how to prepare six dishes tonight and how to plate them. AND IT FEELS SO GOOD! I had the biggest smile on my face. I started observing at the Garde Manger station and did so for about half an hour. As our line was only three people tonight, Exec Chef, J and female S Exec Chef said when I was done watching the plate being done that I should come on over and help him (he was working Entremetier and Saucier). It was the first time I got to watch his eyes closely, the way his hands moved, the way that his mind moved from plate to plate and I HAVE SO FAR TO GO! As I got there Exec Chef told me I was going to be working Entremetier. He walked me through each step and explained what I was doing.

You would expect a man with that much culinary prowess to be a hard ass. Speaking roughly to his staff and constantly barking. But that is not the case at all. His manner is soft but informed, gentle but determined. He looked at the orders that were on the pass and quickly sized it up for me. Okay you need to mash this, put on the fricassee, etc. The knowledge I receive at moments like that is both practical and informative. For example, when using a round on a round plate, the eye will naturally find the fault so you need to be as close to the centre as possible. I sent out tenderloins, duck and a stuffed mini chicken. About fifteen in all. Mash here, an exact number of beans like this, carrots like this. Learning this way is ideal. Of course I have to work on speed but time and experience. TIME AND EXPERIENCE.

It was beyond exciting to work the line. It made me want to be there. IMMEDIATELY! But I still have a ways to go. And by a ways I mean the rest of my life. But I did find it fitting that on the eve on my anniversary that I saw another part of my dream exposed.

Anais Nin once said; “Dreams pass into the reality of action. From the actions stems the dream again; and this interdependence produces the highest form of living.”

I hope you all are finding your highest form of living. Be inspired tomorrow!

Happy Anniversary Oiseau!

A la prochaine!

SDM