“Call me Ishmael” (file under No Moby here, just Dick!)

When Melville was writing “Moby Dick” I wonder if he knew just how great a novel it was to become. Given the events of the last few days I feel that the opening line to “Moby Dick” and indeed the character of Ishmael do best explain not only me but also where I am in life.

Many times you have heard me say in my own creative way or echoing the thoughts of Anthony Bourdain that we cooks are a strange breed. We are the miscreants, the outcasts, and the ones that don’t fit into the pretty little boxes that Malvina Reynolds sang about;

“Little boxes on the hillside, Little boxes made of ticky-tacky
Little boxes on the hillside, little boxes all the same
There's a green one and a pink one and a blue one and a yellow one
And they're all made out of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.

And the people in the houses all went to the university
Where they were put in boxes and they came out all the same,
And there's doctors and there's lawyers, and business executives
And they're all made out of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.

And they all play on the golf course and drink their martinis dry,
And they all have pretty children and the children go to school
And the children go to summer camp and then to the university
Where they are put in boxes and they come out all the same.

And the boys go into business and marry and raise a family
In boxes made of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.”

I’ve never, as anyone that knows me can attest, fit into any box, let alone a little one. And I guess that’s why this morning I used the first line of “Moby Dick” to describe how I was feeling.

So please call me Ishmael. For by identifying at this moment with Ishmael I am engaging my inner creativity and survival instinct to help me through this period in my life. In leaving Reservation I made a mistake. One which I am now paying the price for. However, I know that I will eventually find a place that I am supposed to be. In the meantime, I am happy to let Ahab guide me on his quest.

Is any of this making sense to you? It makes sense to me. It’s the only thing that I’ve been thinking of since first thing this morning. I woke up the first time at three thirty and could not get back to sleep until five. Sleeping then until around seven.

I guess I realize that I went to high school and refused to be put in a box. I went to University and refused to be put in a box. I did a million different jobs and refused to be put in a box. And now, after all that I am in a box of my own making. One which empowers me, one which reveals more to me about character, integrity, passion and dreams than I care to admit right now. But I assure you that someday I will.

So while I am not floating around aimlessly with Ahab right now I am clearly stuck on his boat. Together we will search for Moby and I will eventually find my way back to the shores that I am meant to be on. Feet firmly planted in the soil, like a seed, waiting to be enriched, nurtured, so that I may become… more.

Which incidentally leads into my next blog… helping my friend L make an anniversary dinner for her and her man.

Mitch Albom once said; “The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.”

Are you dreaming big and inspired?

A la prochaine

SDM

Now is the Winter of Our Discontent (file under Lessons)

In his great work, “The Old Man and the Sea,” Hemingway’s opening line is; “He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone eighty-four days now without taking a fish.” This is sort of how I feel right now.

I went for the follow up meeting at Reservation today. And in many ways it was a great meeting. In others it was a massive blow to my ego and my spirit. Perhaps intellectually arrogantly I believed that Executive Chef was going to allow me to come back to Reservation. I believed that my service to Reservation had been such that I would be given the opportunity to come back.

Meeting with Executive Chef in the dining room we had a brief conversation. Perhaps ten minutes or so. He asked why he should allow me to come back and I explained as best I could the reasons I thought that I should be allowed to come back. We bantered back and forth for a few minutes and then a brief pause and he looked me squarely in the eye and quietly, almost imperceptibly said; “No.” Another person might have misunderstood what was meant by the no but it was immediately clear to me, that, for my own good, and the good of my dream, he was not going to allow me to come back. Naturally I asked if there was any way that I could change his mind and he let me know that there was not.

He expressed to me, quite plainly, that I should go and find myself a European Chef. That I should find either in a hotel, or elsewhere, a Chef that would put me on his brigade and teach me in the old world style. He said that I need to be uncomfortable and that my coming back to Reservation would do nothing to enhance either his kitchen or my dream. That instead, by reaching out to a top European Chef, either in a hotel or otherwise, that I could learn in an environment which was better suited to my needs. I appreciated what he said. And the advice that he gave me. He also made it clear that I was welcome to use him as a reference and that if called he would give an exceptional reference.

I have to tell you at first I was really upset. I still kind of am. But I understand what he is trying to do and appreciate fully his not taking me back. In the long run of my dream, I think he is doing me a great service and not a disservice. That does not however take away from the hurt I now feel. But again, after sober thought, I am sure that his point of view will prevail in my own mind.

That does not for a moment take away from the fact that I wish I could go back.



My use of Hemingway at the beginning is the acknowledgement that by leaving Reservation I have failed to catch a fish. I have failed to find meaning in what I am doing currently and what’s more have failed in finding an environment that will aid me in the pursuit of my dream.

Does it suck? Absolutely. But I feel stronger for having attempted to correct my own mistake and I know that there is lots for me to learn from it. I made my bed and now I need to lay in it.

Theodore Roosevelt once said; “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

Thank you Chef! I appreciate it.

Are you dreaming big and inspired?

A la prochaine

SDM

Please Sir, May I Have Some More (file under thoughts)

Escoffier once said; “On n’en sait jamais trop.” This translates roughly to; the more one learns, more one realizes how much is left to learn.

We are all well aware that the last month or so I have been searching. Searching for a way to continue to survive. To continue living my dream. To continue continuing if you will. Feeling unfulfilled where I am inevitably led me down the path of self exploration. For most people I think this is uncomfortable because they are unsure of what they are going to find. In my case, I find it quite liberating. Why liberating you may ask? Well if you look at the testament of my blog you will find that I am always looking inward. I am trying to find a way to feel good about where I am and what I am doing and not out of some major discontent or the like. But rather to enhance that dream which I am living each day.

Upon deeper reflection this passed weekend I came to realize just how much I had grown as a person. I have never been one to publicly display my mistakes out of a deep fear of judgment. However, when I think about the meeting at Reservation on Friday, I feel good about it, I feel that I acknowledged my mistakes, analyzed them, and sought out an answer that not only fit, but was the right fit.

When I left Reservation I was blinded by my own stupidity. Well, maybe not stupidity, but a momentary lapse of judgment. One which did not enable me to perfectly explore my options and decide upon which would best serve my eventual goals. It is not easy to come to that realization. But again I think that it is a measure of maturity and sober thought that leads me to that realization.

I feel good about the meeting. About what was said by both the DOP and Executive Chef. I feel that I represented my foolishness in an appropriate way and demonstrated my desire to come back humbled in order to grow.

That’s sort of where I got the name of this post. For me, it is saying, may I have some more. More experience. More knowledge. More time to grow. More time to flourish. More time to develop. So yes, I would like some more.

I am going back to Reservation tomorrow afternoon before service for another meeting. I’m unsure what Executive Chef is going to say. But I am prepared. Prepared in the event that it does not go my way. But even more so if I am accepted back. Sous Chef A had suggested that I be ready to jump into line with him at Sauce regardless of the outcome of the meeting. Again through sober thought and a few little birdies I think that it would be inappropriate for me to assume anything in Chef’s kitchen. It is his kitchen and I need to adhere to his wishes. I will however be bringing with me my knives and Chef wear.

I’m excited. I’m nervous. I’m prepared. I’m ready to continue my path.

Les Brown once said; “Your ability to communicate is an important tool in your pursuit of your goals, whether it is with your family, your co-workers or your clients and customers.”

Are you dreaming big and inspired?

A la prochaine

SDM