I have done a lot of things in my life that I am not proud of. None of them really worth mentioning here because I have moved beyond that. On the flip side I have also done lots in my life that I am exceptionally proud of. But also, not worth mentioning here right now.
I titled this post “transformation” because I believe that since I turned thirty I have had several experiences which helped to get me to the point that I am at today. In a round about way all of the moments of my life have led to here, just as they have to your reality, but for some reason these stand out more than the rest.
Two friends of C and I got married in the Czech Republic in May of 2007. At that point in my life I was truly unhappy with what I was doing and where I thought I saw my life leading. C and I treated this as an opportunity to experience Europe together. By car at that. We flew into England first. From there we flew to Dublin, Ireland and then drove all the way to the west coast, all the way down to the southern tip and then back to Dublin. The first part of our trip lasted three days.
Going to Ireland with C was one of the best experiences of my life. Touching down in Dublin I was almost moved to tears as I thought about my ancestors whom had all played a part in my being here today. As we drove our little red car around Ireland we stopped at all the castles and monasteries that we saw, which were abounding. Some of the pictures we got from this trip are the best we will ever have. More than that, my desire to go to Ireland, was to go to where my family originally came from on my fathers mothers side. My mind had already begun to race as we were in Ireland. It raced with my considering what was going on in my life. Without realizing what I was doing consciously I was taking pictures of all the food that we experienced. As we arrived in Enniscorthy, Wexford County, I had an eerie feeling come over me. Not least of all because there was an election going on in Ireland and in the middle of the town was a large sign of Gerry Adams. In Enniscorthy we went to the Rebellion museum (my great great great grandfather was a part of it) and to my ancestors bar. As we toured Ireland I felt at ease with myself and though I didn’t know it was already in transformation mode. When we got to Dublin one of the most exciting moments for me was seeing where Oscar Wilde had lived and taking some pictures with him in the park that he used to enjoy. I still use one of the pictures from that day on my other blog (sdmupwords.blogspot.com which incidentally I have not written on in almost a year).
From Dublin we went to our friends wedding in the Czech Republic. It was such a beautiful occasion and I am truly thrilled that C and I got to experience it. While in the Czech Republic we had to go to Karlovy Vary. It is such an amazing city (town) and C and I fully enjoyed our stay there.
From there we drove to Poland and got to enjoy Wroclaw which has to be one of the most beautiful cities in all of Europe. It transcends its own architecture with a can do spirit that is rarely experienced anywhere in the world. This city has been destroyed, dampened and flooded and the people have always bounced back and returned it to its historical splendour. Despite all this it is also a very cosmopolitan city and left me wanting more. From Wroclaw we drove to Krakow. Again an absolutely beautiful city. From there we drove not far to Auschwitz. For reasons I won’t get into now I had to go to Auschwitz. My time, spent there alone, was perhaps, one of, if not the most difficult in my life. I was overcome with emotion and rage. It was a rage that would stay with me for the rest of the trip but was very important in the transformation that I am currently exploring. As a matter of fact, that rage has now given way, to a deep personal understanding. One which is deeply personal. One which I needed to experience.
From there we drove to Germany. A country I had said I would never go to. When we arrived in Germany I asked at the Border as to whether or not it was true that I could drive as fast as I wanted. Pretty much was the answer. So I did. I drove from the border to Dresden in what seemed like no time at all. Dresden also was an important city for me to see. A city that due to the scourge of war was at the end of World War II absolutely decimated in fire bombings. Again, the city was returned to its former splendour. An absolutely beautiful city that bears the marks of its history but also illustrates that where there is a will the human spirit will always endure.
From Germany we went to Austria. Again, the drive was absolutely beautiful. In Austria we also took the time to go to Mauthausen, which is another camp which will live in infamy. Again, this experience caused me to experience mass amounts of rage. A deeply internal struggle to understand the scale and scope of atrocities that seem so foreign to that life that I live. That seem almost alien in their design. I say alien because I have a hard time reconciling and still do.
Alas it was time for us to come back home. But in our 17 days in Europe we did six countries and crossed borders a total of seventeen times.
This trip did more for my spirit than I think anything other than being with C has done. This trip revealed to me both beauty and horror and rarely is there a week that goes by that I don’t think about it.
The entire trip I was taking pictures of our food. I was analyzing what was good on the plate. What worked and what didn’t. It was almost as if it was a precursor to my decision to join a professional kitchen. This experience behind me I became even more dissatisfied with my life professionally. I felt a deep void and a personal responsibility to find out what exactly I should be doing with my life. It took several more months for me to reach my breaking point before I realized that I owed it to myself to do something which truly excited me and made me happy. Something that left me fulfilled rather than empty and wanting. In a lot of ways this trip was a purging of my past and a revelation to my soul. Without knowing it my sub concious was speaking to me the whole trip. And I decided to listen.
This trip inspired me. It brought me closer to my ancestors. To understanding joy and devastation. To understanding the doppelganger that exists in each of us. But it also taught me how to embrace it and to release my fears to become what I truly wanted.
And I am in service of that revelation each and every day.
Ralph Waldo Emerson once said; “The revelation of thought takes men out of servitude into freedom.” And I am free. Are you?
Are you dreaming big and inspired?
A la prochaine
SDM
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment