Classics Revisited (file under Tuning in and letting go)

This past year has been one of massive change for me. My life has been as storied as any of the greatest comedies and tragedies. I was brought into the world at a pivotal moment and became a younger brother to a brother and sister and an older brother to three brothers and two sisters. My parents divorced at a pivotal moment in my life and this jaded me to much of what I saw around me. It provided me with insight into love, life, the way that the world operates and caused me to withdraw heavily from most of what I did.

The divorce and the resultant years of turmoil left me with more questions than answers. It caused me to create a dream world where everything was champagne and caviar because what I was dealing with was so emotionally damning for myself that I needed an escape. As I got older that escape became less dependant on dream worlds and more dependant on the very real (though no less insane) experiences that I was having. I’ve worked in the surreal world of advertising and politics. I had always found great discontent with anything I was doing because the reward was not for the world and certainly not for me. As a result I’ve also held numerous unglamorous jobs which had left me wanting and waiting. I was a mess, a real mess, trying to sort out my life, what it meant to be part of a family, dealing with the daily struggle of ups and downs. Last year however this all changed…

I began to look at my life as it related to my own relationship. I’m dearly and passionately in love with my fiancé C. She has been the greatest gift I have ever been given. She gave me grounding. She would and still does allow me to look at myself through the lens of reality in a way that allows me to face myself. Up until last year I had only tried to face myself. Yet in the last six months I have faced myself. I have challenged myself to become the man that I always wanted to be (and in fact was deep inside). As I looked at my relationship I knew that I needed to find something to do with my life which was rewarding to me as there could be no reward for anyone else if I continued on the miserable path that I was on. As such, as I’ve said before I woke up in November of 2007 and bit the bullet. I found myself looking into the mirror, my soul and my life and realized that my destiny was in the kitchen.

As I made this realization I started doing my due diligence and exploring where I wanted to be, with whom and why. The list was small and I did in fact land where I wanted to. Though the hours are long and hard, they are by far the most rewarding that I’ve ever had (minus the time that I’ve spent working with children in numerous capacities, Counselor, the Hugh McMillan Centre, Karate Instructor, etc.). Landing where I did caused me to do an internal evaluation of me. I retreated as so often I have into books. I’ve written countless volumes since my parents divorce in all kinds of capacities. I’ve written for politicians, advertising companies and myself. At last guess I would say that I’ve written well over one hundred and fifty thousand pages of various sizes and shapes.

Retreating into books, I’ve found that the subjects, subconsciously were all directing me toward a deeper and more complete understanding of myself. Since January my reading has included (but certainly is not limited to);

The Bible (About one third done)
The Koran (ditto)
The Bhagavad Gita
Ulysses
The Portrait of Dorian Grey
War and Peace
Crime and Punishment
Catch 22
Slaughterhouse Five
The Great Gatsby
The Beautiful and the Damned
A Moveable Feast
Food in History
Candide
The Art of Virtue

I’ve also read all kinds of books for spiritual advice including those by Elizabeth Gilbert, Osho, Confucius and many many more not to mention the countless volumes on the kitchen I've ripped through

My choice to return to the classics is heavily indicative of the strong influence my mother had on me. She is a Saint in every sense of the word and gave to me a great gift in my love of reading. From the list, if any of you have read some or all of these, each has a character with a Shakespearean fatal flaw. I recognize the fatal flaws in each as my own and that caused me to reevaluate my life even as I embarked on the wonderful journey I am on now.

That said, I wrote last week on my butcher paper that I am purging myself of the ugliness of my past. I am absolving myself of my sins and returning to myself as I have always envisioned. I outwardly manifest this and will continue to for the rest of my days. It has not been easy to come to this point. Nor will it always be easy but I think that I have discovered as my next tattoo will be (I’ve said it for a long time) the Latin “Nosce Te Ipsum,” which translates to Know Thyself. I don’t think it is easy to know yourself but as I continue to grow comfortable in my own shell and with the life that I’ve chosen to live I acknowledge it every time I step out my door and into the kitchen. I now know myself, recognize and work toward bettering my flaws and have come to know for certain that life’s reward is dependant on me and no one else.

I hope that in all of this, you, my readers can see, that my exploration of brutal honesty with regard to me, my past and my future are the hallmarks of a man that is coming into his own. So hold on, the ride may be bumpy, but it certainly is going to continue to be the honest representation of what it means to be me.

As I wrote on my butcher paper on May 15th;

Feelings of abandonment,
Remnants of a childhood,
Scarred by disappointment,
Of familial longing,
And the fear of separation,
Have too long diminished my character,
And left me wanting,
Shaping me in an ineffectual way,
Inconsistent with whom I am on the inside,
Now is the time,
To nip it in the bud,
To press ahead full tilt,
Creating the life I want,
Rooted in truth,
And acceptance of what I am,
And my daily struggle for what I choose to be,
I will no longer be victim to my past,
And instead OWN my future,
No longer a fifteen year old boy,
I must now be a thirty three year old man,
Transformation begun,
I will now find peace,
In understanding,

ME!

A famous surgeon, an innovator, Dr. Alexis Carrel once said; “Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor.” I have suffered and may still do but now I move forward like Michelangelo. I hope you can too.

Dream Inspired and BIG!

A la prochaine

SDM