I was both excited and nervous to leave Reservation the last night. Excited because I was about to leave on a journey both figuratively and literally. Nervous for the same reasons. Goethe once said; “Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it. Action has magic, grace and power in it.” And so began my journey.
I could hardly sleep that Thursday night because I had so much going on. I had just left the place that gave me my culinary chops (or at least the beginning of them) and I was filled with all kinds of questions. Not to mention that I was about to see the love of my life in less than twenty four hours after not seeing her for a month and a half. Excited doesn’t even begin to cover it.
That night I tossed and turned. All the things that were on my mind were weighing on me and so I just tossed and turned. Fidgeted. Got up. Went back down. Turned the TV on and off. Clearly my mind was unsettled.
I woke up early and started packing everything that I needed. I checked for my ID, passport, tickets, etc. Grabbed all the things that C needed and then was off to the TTC to get to Union Station.
I had packed pretty light given that I was really only there for about sixty hours. But I made sure to bring my book of the moment which is a monumental text, Harold McGee. Brilliant book and very dense. Not necessarily difficult to read but certainly it is a lot to take in.
Arriving at Penn Station more than an hour and a half late I was tired. Worn down and ready to get out and see the great New York City. Being late and knowing that C had to work I sent her a text saying that I was running late. But as so often happens in my life I arrived in time to meet with her. I walked from Penn Station and met her at 27th and 6th.
We took the train to Chelsea where she is working and I dropped off my bags and hung out for a bit. But I was in New York City and I didn’t want to bother her or her employer. As such it was time for me to do what I always do when I am in New York. Go for a long walk. I ended up bouncing into a cigar store and buying myself a Romeo and Julieta Churchill and proceeded to walk from 4th Street all the way to 44th (just near the Empire State Building) Street. I then cut up two streets to Broadway and started my long walk back. Thank God I had my good friend Churchill to keep me company.
As I walked I was snapping pictures of all the things that were interesting to me and listening to the myriad of conversations that we ever present on my walk. The one thing that struck me was that no matter what language I was hearing the name Obama came up with a fervent joy that was obvious. It was a joy to hear and witness as America truly is in need of some change for the better. All around it seemed that everyone holds the expectation that he is the right man, at the right time in the right place.
Walking back along Broadway I stopped at a flower stand and bought my lovely some roses because while she is there she is not getting the same treatment that she has become accustomed to when she is here. Namely flowers and great food. I continued to walk with purpose and joy. As I got just a couple of blocks away from where she works (and having just put out my cigar) I ran into (hey the universe is screaming at me what can I say) a friend that I had not seen since high school. She was with a few of her friends and we quickly caught up as to what we both were doing, etc.
As we spoke we laughed as a few of us from school all have taken the culinary route. It ends up that she works for a big foodie magazine and she gave me her number telling me to give her a call when I want to make the move down to New York. Talk about awesome. I told her I was coming back in January. But I think I am going to actually go down in February. At any rate I will give her a call. I AM SO EXCITED.
Anyway, we exchanged our stories and then went on our mutual ways. As I got back to C I was so excited to be in New York, to run into someone I hadn’t seen in 14 years and that we were both so happy to run into each other.
The next morning I ended up waking up and going to the Union Square Farmers Market to buy ingredients for the dinner I was going to be making that night. It was so much fun to be there. To see New York, alive and vibrant, happy and shopping for organic groceries.
The selection was quite extraordinary but also exorbitantly expensive. But whatever, you only live once and C hadn’t had some me food in over two months. She deserved a treat and I was only so happy to make it for her. I spent a few hours on the island and then went back to meet her at her place.
That night I cooked dinner for eleven of us. The menu consisted of Saint Andres and Chive stuffed mushrooms. The next course was a cauliflower veloute with romanescu and Colby cheddar. Next course was a blackened chicken in a lemongrass broth. I ended it all with a fresh fruit and cognac bread pudding that was to die for. Everyone really enjoyed the food and it was nice to have so many of C’s friends around and sharing in our joy.
The next morning I woke up early and decided to go out on my way. I basically walked from C’s place on Stuyvesant all the way across the Brooklyn Bridge and up to 44th Street again and then back to Wall Street and then back to Brooklyn.
It was a whirlwind trip. Awesome though. A great way to frame the next adventure and possibly the opening page of the adventure that starts when I decide to go and conquer New York.
George Bernard Shaw once said; “The possibilities are numerous once we decide to act and not react.”
Are you acting? Reacting? Are you dreaming big and inspired?
A la prochaine
SDM
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Reflections Party 1 (file under considering the last eleven months)
Peter F. Drucker once said; “Follow effective action with quiet reflection. From the quiet reflection will come even more effective action.”
I feel that this is a perfect way to frame the thoughts that I am about to express. The last eleven months of my life have been some of the most rewarding and exciting of my life. Making the decision to do with my life what I wanted was not an easy one. I know that this must sound completely ridiculous but in my life there is very little that I ever did for myself short of my partying decisions. I mean I would even hum and haw at buying myself a pair of jeans (though I do have some nice Zegna ties). Thus I have found that the past eleven months have opened me up. They have revealed to me myself in a beautiful way.
Anais Nin once said; “There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” This in short is how I look at my decision to move on from Reservation. However I can not fully move on until I have taken the time to reflect on what I learned, what I was and what I became. As such, here we are my friends.
I remember thinking about making the move to the culinary world and having a great many conversations with my friends. Specifically C and a good friend of mine that opened the door for me at Reservation. For the longest time I had been throwing lavish dinner parties. Every one of my friends always said that I should be doing this with my life and I always gave some excuse as to why I was not. Even in high school all of my friends who would be around when I was cooking felt as if I should be cooking. I too felt that way but in some way I could not bring myself to do it. Perhaps it was fear of success. Failure. Uncertainty. Who knows but I never did. Thus when I did finally make the decision, which was around this time last year, I started having conversations with friends and family to get their input. Everyone was gung ho for the idea. Sort of anyway. But more than their opinions (which of course I value highly) I knew that I had to do something for myself.
When I entered Reservation on the day of my interview I was uncertain about so much. My life. My direction. Everything was up in the air. Predominantly because I wanted to find that nugget or kernel of personal truth that would bring me happiness. That elusive abstract that we all search for that can easily be found if we look into ourselves and answer honestly the questions that so few of us want to.
Speaking with then Executive Chef I remember that our conversation was an exciting one. He laid out for me in that interview what the next little while was going to be like and I’m sure I looked like a deer in the headlights. After we had decided that I was going to fit there it was right into the kitchen to see where it was I was going to be working. This of course was done with Head Chef, who walked me through after we had spoken. I remember going home that night feeling as if something wonderful had just begun.
Truly my time at Reservation was wonderful. I went from being a home chef with a moderate knowledge of how cooking works to where I am today. In those first months I felt truly alive. I felt as if I was learning a ridiculous amount in a short period of time. I mean if I were to lay out here in a list form the things that I learned it would probably fill the next seven pages.
Instead I would like to merely say that I feel I take from Reservation the fundamentals of both cooking and kitchen culture that will follow me everywhere I go. I started with stock which of course was a wonderful beginning because a good stock is the foundation of every great sauce. It seems so basic and yet it such an elemental part of cooking that I am forever grateful for it.
Of course from there I started working with prep. I must have sliced and diced, cut and brunoised at least a few tones of vegetables. The prep work invariably causes you to get better with your knife handling as well as your food handling. You gain speed and precision and become much more aware of things that before seemed foreign or even unseen to you.
From my early days in prep I began to handle more and more full out function prep with the exception of cutting proteins. (This was something that I tried to address numerous times but was shut down every time I tried). A part of me can understand the lack of their wanting me to cut proteins and yet another part of me feels that I could have been much more useful to them if they had enabled me to learn this in a practical sense.
I learned scale. Scale is important, as you are not going to make a sauce the same way for three hundred as you would for say fifty. Nor are you going to prepare a salad the same way. Therefore I would say that it was a very valuable learning that I took with me in that respect.
I learned how to create recipes and record them. I know that this sounds kind of silly but at no time was I given a formal recipe book. I was shown how to do something once and then pretty much left to my own devices. As such I had to teach myself how to make something taste the same regardless of the number of people that I made it for. This takes incredible skill (and no I’m not patting myself on the shoulder).
I learned how to minimize waste. To maximize product. To use my senses. All of them. I learned that certain things can not be learned from a book. They have to be experienced and then from that experience fine tuned.
I learned how to clean. Again this may sound silly but I assure you its not. Ask C. She’ll tell you that I was not very much into cleaning at all. But A pounded it into my head very early on that a messy station equals a messy mind. As such I became very good at cleaning. Moreover, a kitchen must be clean as it is a reflection of the standards of that kitchen.
The Grill. I learned how to open, set up and tear down a station. I learned how to organize and to accept and fulfill orders. I learned how to deal with customers. I learned how to laugh at myself. I began to develop a tougher skin as in the kitchen there is no room for wimps. You need to be emotionally, physically and lyrically tough.
I also learned about pride of ownership. How to be the best I can everyday. How to erase things quickly from your mind and not brood when things don’t go your way. How to learn from your mistakes and treat them as an opportunity for growth.
These are but some of the things I have learned. I know that in the coming weeks I will have much more to add to this which is why I call it part one.
Walt Whitman once said; “Have you learned the lessons only of those who admired you, and were tender with you, and stood aside for you? Have you not learned great lessons from those who braced themselves against you, and disputed passage with you?”
I end this post with that quote because there is more to come to which that corresponds.
Are you dreaming big and inspired?
A la prochaine
SDM
I feel that this is a perfect way to frame the thoughts that I am about to express. The last eleven months of my life have been some of the most rewarding and exciting of my life. Making the decision to do with my life what I wanted was not an easy one. I know that this must sound completely ridiculous but in my life there is very little that I ever did for myself short of my partying decisions. I mean I would even hum and haw at buying myself a pair of jeans (though I do have some nice Zegna ties). Thus I have found that the past eleven months have opened me up. They have revealed to me myself in a beautiful way.
Anais Nin once said; “There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” This in short is how I look at my decision to move on from Reservation. However I can not fully move on until I have taken the time to reflect on what I learned, what I was and what I became. As such, here we are my friends.
I remember thinking about making the move to the culinary world and having a great many conversations with my friends. Specifically C and a good friend of mine that opened the door for me at Reservation. For the longest time I had been throwing lavish dinner parties. Every one of my friends always said that I should be doing this with my life and I always gave some excuse as to why I was not. Even in high school all of my friends who would be around when I was cooking felt as if I should be cooking. I too felt that way but in some way I could not bring myself to do it. Perhaps it was fear of success. Failure. Uncertainty. Who knows but I never did. Thus when I did finally make the decision, which was around this time last year, I started having conversations with friends and family to get their input. Everyone was gung ho for the idea. Sort of anyway. But more than their opinions (which of course I value highly) I knew that I had to do something for myself.
When I entered Reservation on the day of my interview I was uncertain about so much. My life. My direction. Everything was up in the air. Predominantly because I wanted to find that nugget or kernel of personal truth that would bring me happiness. That elusive abstract that we all search for that can easily be found if we look into ourselves and answer honestly the questions that so few of us want to.
Speaking with then Executive Chef I remember that our conversation was an exciting one. He laid out for me in that interview what the next little while was going to be like and I’m sure I looked like a deer in the headlights. After we had decided that I was going to fit there it was right into the kitchen to see where it was I was going to be working. This of course was done with Head Chef, who walked me through after we had spoken. I remember going home that night feeling as if something wonderful had just begun.
Truly my time at Reservation was wonderful. I went from being a home chef with a moderate knowledge of how cooking works to where I am today. In those first months I felt truly alive. I felt as if I was learning a ridiculous amount in a short period of time. I mean if I were to lay out here in a list form the things that I learned it would probably fill the next seven pages.
Instead I would like to merely say that I feel I take from Reservation the fundamentals of both cooking and kitchen culture that will follow me everywhere I go. I started with stock which of course was a wonderful beginning because a good stock is the foundation of every great sauce. It seems so basic and yet it such an elemental part of cooking that I am forever grateful for it.
Of course from there I started working with prep. I must have sliced and diced, cut and brunoised at least a few tones of vegetables. The prep work invariably causes you to get better with your knife handling as well as your food handling. You gain speed and precision and become much more aware of things that before seemed foreign or even unseen to you.
From my early days in prep I began to handle more and more full out function prep with the exception of cutting proteins. (This was something that I tried to address numerous times but was shut down every time I tried). A part of me can understand the lack of their wanting me to cut proteins and yet another part of me feels that I could have been much more useful to them if they had enabled me to learn this in a practical sense.
I learned scale. Scale is important, as you are not going to make a sauce the same way for three hundred as you would for say fifty. Nor are you going to prepare a salad the same way. Therefore I would say that it was a very valuable learning that I took with me in that respect.
I learned how to create recipes and record them. I know that this sounds kind of silly but at no time was I given a formal recipe book. I was shown how to do something once and then pretty much left to my own devices. As such I had to teach myself how to make something taste the same regardless of the number of people that I made it for. This takes incredible skill (and no I’m not patting myself on the shoulder).
I learned how to minimize waste. To maximize product. To use my senses. All of them. I learned that certain things can not be learned from a book. They have to be experienced and then from that experience fine tuned.
I learned how to clean. Again this may sound silly but I assure you its not. Ask C. She’ll tell you that I was not very much into cleaning at all. But A pounded it into my head very early on that a messy station equals a messy mind. As such I became very good at cleaning. Moreover, a kitchen must be clean as it is a reflection of the standards of that kitchen.
The Grill. I learned how to open, set up and tear down a station. I learned how to organize and to accept and fulfill orders. I learned how to deal with customers. I learned how to laugh at myself. I began to develop a tougher skin as in the kitchen there is no room for wimps. You need to be emotionally, physically and lyrically tough.
I also learned about pride of ownership. How to be the best I can everyday. How to erase things quickly from your mind and not brood when things don’t go your way. How to learn from your mistakes and treat them as an opportunity for growth.
These are but some of the things I have learned. I know that in the coming weeks I will have much more to add to this which is why I call it part one.
Walt Whitman once said; “Have you learned the lessons only of those who admired you, and were tender with you, and stood aside for you? Have you not learned great lessons from those who braced themselves against you, and disputed passage with you?”
I end this post with that quote because there is more to come to which that corresponds.
Are you dreaming big and inspired?
A la prochaine
SDM
Last Day Pics
The best damn dishwasher D in the business
My main man and most often worked with; The kitchen terrorist L
Line S
Big A
Chef B
Young W or our secret Mexican
Our evening Dishwashers; Sir and T
Pastry Chef J with her new Pixie Cut
Leader of the K Gang, J
Miss M the Garde
Former Executive Chef, Mentor and now Director of Operations
JK and I
Miss M and I
Chef J, Chef B and I
S and I
Christopher Robin once said to Winnie the Pooh; “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”
There are more pictures to come. I still need JW, Sous Chef A, Executive Chef and a couple of more. They will be coming soon.
Are you dreaming big and inspired?
A la prochaine
SDM
Last Few Days at Reservation (file under “Great Success”)
So from the title of this post I am quite certain that you all have gathered that I did decide to move on from Reservation. I value my time there and plan on writing today a summary of my experience there.
It was a heart wrenching decision to move on from Reservation. I considered not only the time that I had spent there but also what I knew the next few months would look like. I am very motivated to live up to the goal that I made for myself and felt that every moment I spent not working toward that goal was if not a wasted opportunity at the very least standing in the way of my progression.
I looked at the next few months as we are coming into a very busy season and saw that after working all summer on the grill that I was going to have to continue working the function stuff until the New Year. As such after great personal consideration and soul searching I decided to turn in my resignation. It was not an easy decision but I feel it was the one that I had to make as it was right for me.
Turning in my letter was no less difficult. I could not find the right time. I asked both Director of Operations and Executive Chef numerous times if they had a moment to talk and without having had that conversation I felt uneasy turning in my letter. It took me two days longer to turn it in than I wanted and when I did I had no choice I could not wait to talk to either of them if I wanted to maintain my professionalism. As such on Sunday, November 26, 2008 I tendered my resignation to the General Manager as I was leaving for the evening.
Even as I started on my way home I lit a cigarette and started second guessing myself. Did I make the right decision? Was this really a case of thinking that the grass was greener or was it truly a case of moving for the right reason at the right time? All the questions that arise when one has had to make a serious and life altering decision. Ultimately, as more time has passed (and I have now left Reservation) I know that I made the right decision. It was a necessary decision in order to be consistent with who I am and what I am trying to achieve.
Executive Chef and I got to have a conversation about it two days after I tendered it. Sous Chef A told me to finish what I was doing and then to go in and speak with him. I was nervous. I thought I was going to get a tongue lashing. In fact I got something that was beautiful and made me feel good.
As I sat down in the office Executive Chef asked me about the letter. I explained to him why I had come to the decision. Explaining that I could not wait to be given more responsibility and an opportunity to work the line as I felt I was stagnant and did not want to be. I explained that this was a feeling that I had had for a while and that I recognized the reasons that it was this way making no judgment, merely observation.
We sat and spoke for about half an hour during which time Executive Chef gave me sage like advice and pointed me in a direction to my own personal greatness. I am indebted to him for everything he taught me both about the culinary world and beyond. I value his opinion and his person and know that we have developed a friendship that will last a lifetime.
As I have written about before on this blog sometimes my mouth can get me into trouble. It is something that I have been actively working on and know that in this coming year I will improve even more. Executive Chef reminded me that ferme la bouche is important for me. That I had to listen, to produce, to work. That the stresses that were going to be placed on me in my new job were going to be very real. I thanked him for his observation, advice and the opportunity to work with him and Director of Operations. I said that I felt I would like to return when I could be of more use to the restaurant.
As our conversation came to an end Executive Chef took his ten commandments off the wall and signed them. As he handed them to me he said; “Because you are going to be famous.” I was taken aback at his compliment and his candour. He told me that it would be a good exercise to record the way that peoples demeanour changed toward me as a result of my decision for the next little while. As such I will give a brief synopsis here.
It was almost immediate the initial change toward me. I felt spite in my direction. I felt an animosity that I had rarely if ever felt in my life (specifically from Chef J). And it was difficult for me to place why. To my mind I was a great employee who had shown up every day and given his all. I had bled, slept on the floor, worked forty seven hours straight, etc. I had done everything I could to live up to my promise and I felt as if it was all for not with the way Chef J was treating me.
Specifically, on one night I had gotten to work at 8 am. I had worked all day fast and hard and had gotten us extremely far ahead. Despite all this Chef J decided to keep me there to help him. So I walked over to the kitchen he was working in and asked what I could do for him. To which he responded nothing. So I went back to the kitchen and finished up what I was doing. I told Chef B and Sous Chef A that there was nothing he wanted me to do. After a few minutes I told both of them that I recognized I was being kept there out of spite and nothing more. They both recognized that my observation was probably true. Nonetheless I walked back over to Chef J’s kitchen and asked if there was anything I could do. He curtly handed me a bottle and said; “Fill this with wine.” Begrudgingly I did just that and returned. When I did he handed me another bottle and asked me to fill it with oil. This went on a couple more times before I became angry. Before I felt that my contribution was nothing more than a body and it made me angry. This only went on for a few more minutes before I was allowed to punch out.
On the way home that night I felt irate. I felt annoyed. Upset. In retrospect I am glad that I didn’t write about it at the time because it would have been filled with vitriol and spite. The feeling did not last and neither did my spiteful treatment by Chef J. In fact, after that incident I didn’t want to even speak with Chef J but I decided largely due to input from Chef B and Sous Chef A that I was just going to keep being me and doing my job. After that decision everything became easier for me.
I did take the time to speak to L before I made the decision. He pointed out that if I stayed I would be a Chef in a couple of years. He wanted me to stay. It was clear. What was not clear was whether it was because we were coming into function season. However, I will say that when I made the decision L did understand and wished me all the best.
I had wanted to speak with Sous Chef A about my decision before I made it. We went outside and he asked me a few questions. I told him that I had wanted to speak with him and pointed out times that I had tried to. At that point I think he recognized (speculation) that I had tried and he then understood.
Everyone wanted to know about where I was going. Almost all of them understood why. Even front of house staff. I think the one thing that I took away from all of it is that everyone was going to miss me for a variety of reasons. All wished me well in my endeavours and asked me not to be a stranger.
On my second last day I finished work at the height of rush hour and ran over to our sister restaurant and asked the manager if it would be okay for me to have dinner there to which he responded of course. So I punched out and ran over for dinner. In my street clothes I asked for permission to enter the kitchen and asked both Sous Chef J and Chef S if it would be okay for me to have dinner. Both said of course and asked what I would like. I said surprise me and sure enough they did.
As I sat there drinking my Vodka 7 Sous Chef J came out (as he did with every course which I thought was both incredible and a nice touch of class) with my amuse bouche. It was a scallop ceviche that was delightful. This was followed by a house made French onion soup that was delightful. Next was an oxtail shepherds pie with garlic mash potatoes. A round of oysters that were absolutely terrific followed this. Finally I had a cheese course that was the perfect end to a treat of a meal. I have pictures for all of these but I don’t have my cell phone right now. When I do I will put them up.
My last couple of days I had a lot of spare time as I had really worked my tail off. As such I spent the time closing down (finally) the Grill. I transported and cleaned the grill, fryer and bread warmer that is now going to be transformed into a smoker. I perfectly cleaned the garbage area to the point that you could see the pavement. Something that I had not seen in my entire time there. I also cleaned the BBQ area at our restaurant. One of the things that I have always done at Reservation (and indeed life) is take on unglamorous jobs and done them to my best ability. Taking pride in my work and making sure that I set the bar high for the next person to do it.
My final day was last Thursday. We had a big function for 200 but we were in great shape and it was not going to be long. Chef J decided to have me carving (shocking). He did say a little tongue in cheek that he didn’t want me to leave with a bad taste in my mouth to which I laughed and understood.
As the function ended we worked on my final clean up of Reservations kitchen. I walked out to the General Manager and asked if I could buy a bottle of champagne. He said of course. I grabbed the bottle and walked into the back and opened it. Director of Operations and all the Chefs and my colleagues were there. I poured out the appropriate number of glasses and thanked DOP for the opportunity to work there. I recognized that they had taken a chance on me and said that I hoped that he felt I had delivered to his expectations. I thanked him and everyone else there for everything they had done for me and that I would miss them all. I especially looked at L and nodded my head right before I lifted my glass and said; “To all of us!”
It was a beautiful way to leave. It made me feel good. I left on my terms. On good terms. And had made friends that I am sure will last a lifetime. And not only that I know that I have maintained a relationship that will last beyond the kitchen.
This was how my time ended at Reservation. It was beautiful. And over the next day I would have at least twelve hours to think back on my experience and to analyze everything that was now going on in my life as I was on my way to New York City to see my fiancé C by train. I got comfortable with Harold McGee and set out for NYC at 8 am the next morning.
All in all I am glad I made the decision that I did. I know I still have much to learn. This will always be true. But now I look at it and acknowledge that I have made a decision, again a selfish one, that will aid me in getting to my goal. Life is going to get very interesting over the next few months as I take on more responsibility and start working the line.
I think the following quotes sum up best what I am feeling right now;
Albert Einstein once said “Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving”
Conrad Hilton; “Success seems to be connected with action. Successful people keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don't quit.”
Goethe; “I find the great thing in this world is, not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving.”
I want to thank everyone at Reservation for their guidance, their tutelage, their friendship and their spirits. I will take it all with me as I move on to my new position and in fact as I move forward to become a great Chef.
Are you dreaming big and inspired? Are you making the tough decisions that mark the truth in your life? Are you ready?
A la prochaine
SDM
It was a heart wrenching decision to move on from Reservation. I considered not only the time that I had spent there but also what I knew the next few months would look like. I am very motivated to live up to the goal that I made for myself and felt that every moment I spent not working toward that goal was if not a wasted opportunity at the very least standing in the way of my progression.
I looked at the next few months as we are coming into a very busy season and saw that after working all summer on the grill that I was going to have to continue working the function stuff until the New Year. As such after great personal consideration and soul searching I decided to turn in my resignation. It was not an easy decision but I feel it was the one that I had to make as it was right for me.
Turning in my letter was no less difficult. I could not find the right time. I asked both Director of Operations and Executive Chef numerous times if they had a moment to talk and without having had that conversation I felt uneasy turning in my letter. It took me two days longer to turn it in than I wanted and when I did I had no choice I could not wait to talk to either of them if I wanted to maintain my professionalism. As such on Sunday, November 26, 2008 I tendered my resignation to the General Manager as I was leaving for the evening.
Even as I started on my way home I lit a cigarette and started second guessing myself. Did I make the right decision? Was this really a case of thinking that the grass was greener or was it truly a case of moving for the right reason at the right time? All the questions that arise when one has had to make a serious and life altering decision. Ultimately, as more time has passed (and I have now left Reservation) I know that I made the right decision. It was a necessary decision in order to be consistent with who I am and what I am trying to achieve.
Executive Chef and I got to have a conversation about it two days after I tendered it. Sous Chef A told me to finish what I was doing and then to go in and speak with him. I was nervous. I thought I was going to get a tongue lashing. In fact I got something that was beautiful and made me feel good.
As I sat down in the office Executive Chef asked me about the letter. I explained to him why I had come to the decision. Explaining that I could not wait to be given more responsibility and an opportunity to work the line as I felt I was stagnant and did not want to be. I explained that this was a feeling that I had had for a while and that I recognized the reasons that it was this way making no judgment, merely observation.
We sat and spoke for about half an hour during which time Executive Chef gave me sage like advice and pointed me in a direction to my own personal greatness. I am indebted to him for everything he taught me both about the culinary world and beyond. I value his opinion and his person and know that we have developed a friendship that will last a lifetime.
As I have written about before on this blog sometimes my mouth can get me into trouble. It is something that I have been actively working on and know that in this coming year I will improve even more. Executive Chef reminded me that ferme la bouche is important for me. That I had to listen, to produce, to work. That the stresses that were going to be placed on me in my new job were going to be very real. I thanked him for his observation, advice and the opportunity to work with him and Director of Operations. I said that I felt I would like to return when I could be of more use to the restaurant.
As our conversation came to an end Executive Chef took his ten commandments off the wall and signed them. As he handed them to me he said; “Because you are going to be famous.” I was taken aback at his compliment and his candour. He told me that it would be a good exercise to record the way that peoples demeanour changed toward me as a result of my decision for the next little while. As such I will give a brief synopsis here.
It was almost immediate the initial change toward me. I felt spite in my direction. I felt an animosity that I had rarely if ever felt in my life (specifically from Chef J). And it was difficult for me to place why. To my mind I was a great employee who had shown up every day and given his all. I had bled, slept on the floor, worked forty seven hours straight, etc. I had done everything I could to live up to my promise and I felt as if it was all for not with the way Chef J was treating me.
Specifically, on one night I had gotten to work at 8 am. I had worked all day fast and hard and had gotten us extremely far ahead. Despite all this Chef J decided to keep me there to help him. So I walked over to the kitchen he was working in and asked what I could do for him. To which he responded nothing. So I went back to the kitchen and finished up what I was doing. I told Chef B and Sous Chef A that there was nothing he wanted me to do. After a few minutes I told both of them that I recognized I was being kept there out of spite and nothing more. They both recognized that my observation was probably true. Nonetheless I walked back over to Chef J’s kitchen and asked if there was anything I could do. He curtly handed me a bottle and said; “Fill this with wine.” Begrudgingly I did just that and returned. When I did he handed me another bottle and asked me to fill it with oil. This went on a couple more times before I became angry. Before I felt that my contribution was nothing more than a body and it made me angry. This only went on for a few more minutes before I was allowed to punch out.
On the way home that night I felt irate. I felt annoyed. Upset. In retrospect I am glad that I didn’t write about it at the time because it would have been filled with vitriol and spite. The feeling did not last and neither did my spiteful treatment by Chef J. In fact, after that incident I didn’t want to even speak with Chef J but I decided largely due to input from Chef B and Sous Chef A that I was just going to keep being me and doing my job. After that decision everything became easier for me.
I did take the time to speak to L before I made the decision. He pointed out that if I stayed I would be a Chef in a couple of years. He wanted me to stay. It was clear. What was not clear was whether it was because we were coming into function season. However, I will say that when I made the decision L did understand and wished me all the best.
I had wanted to speak with Sous Chef A about my decision before I made it. We went outside and he asked me a few questions. I told him that I had wanted to speak with him and pointed out times that I had tried to. At that point I think he recognized (speculation) that I had tried and he then understood.
Everyone wanted to know about where I was going. Almost all of them understood why. Even front of house staff. I think the one thing that I took away from all of it is that everyone was going to miss me for a variety of reasons. All wished me well in my endeavours and asked me not to be a stranger.
On my second last day I finished work at the height of rush hour and ran over to our sister restaurant and asked the manager if it would be okay for me to have dinner there to which he responded of course. So I punched out and ran over for dinner. In my street clothes I asked for permission to enter the kitchen and asked both Sous Chef J and Chef S if it would be okay for me to have dinner. Both said of course and asked what I would like. I said surprise me and sure enough they did.
As I sat there drinking my Vodka 7 Sous Chef J came out (as he did with every course which I thought was both incredible and a nice touch of class) with my amuse bouche. It was a scallop ceviche that was delightful. This was followed by a house made French onion soup that was delightful. Next was an oxtail shepherds pie with garlic mash potatoes. A round of oysters that were absolutely terrific followed this. Finally I had a cheese course that was the perfect end to a treat of a meal. I have pictures for all of these but I don’t have my cell phone right now. When I do I will put them up.
My last couple of days I had a lot of spare time as I had really worked my tail off. As such I spent the time closing down (finally) the Grill. I transported and cleaned the grill, fryer and bread warmer that is now going to be transformed into a smoker. I perfectly cleaned the garbage area to the point that you could see the pavement. Something that I had not seen in my entire time there. I also cleaned the BBQ area at our restaurant. One of the things that I have always done at Reservation (and indeed life) is take on unglamorous jobs and done them to my best ability. Taking pride in my work and making sure that I set the bar high for the next person to do it.
My final day was last Thursday. We had a big function for 200 but we were in great shape and it was not going to be long. Chef J decided to have me carving (shocking). He did say a little tongue in cheek that he didn’t want me to leave with a bad taste in my mouth to which I laughed and understood.
As the function ended we worked on my final clean up of Reservations kitchen. I walked out to the General Manager and asked if I could buy a bottle of champagne. He said of course. I grabbed the bottle and walked into the back and opened it. Director of Operations and all the Chefs and my colleagues were there. I poured out the appropriate number of glasses and thanked DOP for the opportunity to work there. I recognized that they had taken a chance on me and said that I hoped that he felt I had delivered to his expectations. I thanked him and everyone else there for everything they had done for me and that I would miss them all. I especially looked at L and nodded my head right before I lifted my glass and said; “To all of us!”
It was a beautiful way to leave. It made me feel good. I left on my terms. On good terms. And had made friends that I am sure will last a lifetime. And not only that I know that I have maintained a relationship that will last beyond the kitchen.
This was how my time ended at Reservation. It was beautiful. And over the next day I would have at least twelve hours to think back on my experience and to analyze everything that was now going on in my life as I was on my way to New York City to see my fiancé C by train. I got comfortable with Harold McGee and set out for NYC at 8 am the next morning.
All in all I am glad I made the decision that I did. I know I still have much to learn. This will always be true. But now I look at it and acknowledge that I have made a decision, again a selfish one, that will aid me in getting to my goal. Life is going to get very interesting over the next few months as I take on more responsibility and start working the line.
I think the following quotes sum up best what I am feeling right now;
Albert Einstein once said “Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving”
Conrad Hilton; “Success seems to be connected with action. Successful people keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don't quit.”
Goethe; “I find the great thing in this world is, not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving.”
I want to thank everyone at Reservation for their guidance, their tutelage, their friendship and their spirits. I will take it all with me as I move on to my new position and in fact as I move forward to become a great Chef.
Are you dreaming big and inspired? Are you making the tough decisions that mark the truth in your life? Are you ready?
A la prochaine
SDM
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