So on the heels of a great conversation with Executive Chef and the feeling that I had resolved my issue with Chef J satisfactorily and amicably. I was feeling pretty good as I have learned how to disengage my ego which in the past has gotten in the way of me resolving things as well. It is all part of the growth that I am experiencing in the most beautiful and wonderful way as part of my decision to be on this path.
As I mentioned in the last post I had a great conversation with Executive Chef. But based on something he had shown me and said I knew that something wicked this way comes. I arrived on Tuesday feeling good about the conversation but nervous about the expected onslaught that I was sure was coming. My day was long and hard filled with all kinds of tasks which only further reinforced my belief that I was about to be getting it. I was so nervous at one point that I went to A and asked him if he felt I had done anything that could get me fired. He said no and that he would probably know if that was the case. I was not eased despite his words.
As my night was coming to a close Head Chef came to me and asked me to get a bucket and some rags. I knew immediately that I was about to experience a tempest in a teapot and tried to mentally prepare myself. TO NO AVAIL.
Those of you who know me can attest to the fact that I am 5’10 and soaking wet one hundred and thirty five pounds with all my clothes on. Head Chef is a little shorter than I am but probably outweighs me by about one hundred pounds. I say all this as a means of description and what follows is said with respect and admiration. Head Chef is a powerful man, of German descent and can carry an entire room both with his energy and his words. He can be kind and gracious or spirited and overwhelming. Both of which serve him well in his daily duties. Carrying the bucket I knew where we were going and what was coming.
I have been through some extremely challenging things in my life which enable me to be aware of certain things and whats more to deal with them. “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?” he said pointing to the interior of the fridge, “Condiments,” I answered. “AND IS THIS HOW THEY BELONG?” He was just above a yell but not quite at a scream. My bones vibrated with every word he said. “NO Chef,” and I was about to offer an excuse when I realized (again something new for me) that it was better for me to keep my mouth shut and listen. “CLEAN THE FRIDGE, MOVE THE CONDIMENTS BACK.” And with that he disappeared inside our sister kitchen while I set about the task. I was visibly upset and was trying to keep my nerves in control. A few more bursts were sent my way and I had backed myself up as I felt like I was about to be thrown to the opposite corner of the universe.
After having cleaned the fridge so perfectly that I would have lived inside of it Chef told me to bring all my stuff back to the restaurant and meet him in the office. I truly felt that I was about to be fired. As I had mentioned previously my spidey sense had been going off all day. I got back to the restaurant and deposited the various things that I needed to deposit in the respective places. My heart raced as I approached the office. I was instructed to take a seat. AM I GETTING FIRED? Oh my god my mind raced as I waited for Head Chef to come back. The issue is a serious one as it relates to the safety and sanitation which affects everyone.
A folder was opened on the desk before me and I was asked to read it carefully and then sign it. Being the quick reader that I was I was finished in about twenty seconds. I looked up first relieved that I wasn’t getting fired and secondly to try and catch myself before I broke. I duly signed both copies of the document and felt myself choking up.
Chef looked right at me and I told him I would offer no excuses for what I had done. Instead I would adjust my work in the future to reflect this conversation and dressing down. I told him and indeed Chef B and J as well that I got it and that I understood completely. Head Chef seeing that I was truly upset by this told me to go outside and collect my thoughts over a cigarette and then come back in and clean the kitchen.
I went out back and lit a cigarette. I felt myself welling up inside. I was not upset, I was angry. I was angry with myself for having let Head Chef and Executive Chef down. For doing less than is expected which is not something that I am accustomed to doing. I spent a good five minutes out back thinking to myself and reading over my written warning. After my smoke I went back in to discover that the kitchen was finished. Head Chef was getting ready to leave and I asked him if there was anything that he would especially like me to do. His reply was short and sweet; “Go home.” I made sure to shake all their hands and say that they would not ever see that again. They could tell how upset I was with myself and I think they were satisfied to let me beat myself up with it as they knew it would be more severe that way. But that is just supposition.
My ride home was filled with anger, angst and resolve. I had made my first serious mistake in the kitchen and it sucked. It felt horrible. I didn’t speak for the first three hours at work the next day. And truthfully still today I am feeling ill with myself about it. But one thing that Executive Chef has taught me is that yesterday is yesterday and today is today. BE BETTER! And I am.
James Joyce once said; “A man's errors are his portals of discovery.” And man have I discovered…
Have you?
Dream big and inspired.
A la prochaine
SDM
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