Stagnation (or a note on manic thoughts that lead to elsewhere)

Stagnation.

stag·na·tion n
a condition of no movement, activity, development, or progress, or the process of becoming like this.

In the kitchen stagnation can be an attitude killer. It can be a drive killer. It can kill passion and create circumstance. In the kitchen stagnation can be something that creeps up on you like a stalker in the night and takes from you that which you hold most sacred. Stagnation can be that dream killer. Stagnation can be a vivid, horrible and transitional moment that leads to thoughts that lead away from where you are.

Stagnation in short, is where I am now. Although to my Executive and Head Chefs may not see it quite the same way I am at that moment. Where reality and dreaming come to a head. Where I need to consider what I’m doing and why I’m doing it.

You will notice I’m not saying that I am going to abandon my dreams. That I believe any less in the fact that I am going to be, that I was destined to be, that I am becoming a great Chef. It merely is an illustrative term which for me describes the fact that I have learned almost nothing in the last month.

For the first few months I was a flurried student of the subtle kitchen nuance. Everything from cutting a certain cut to sharpening my knife was new to me. And exciting. And I must admit that a brunoise or a ceramic sharpener still excites me for my Mac Knives.

I’m sure that none of you look at what I am doing as a period of stagnation but that is because you are not living my reality every day. I am hungry. I WANT TO LEARN. I am capable of learning at a level that is far different from most people. Not better. Just different. I am a voracious reader. I am a student of life. I read books like Anthony Bourdain smokes cigarettes. I can process knowledge like John F. Kennedy processed the Cuban Missile Crisis. I am capable of so much more than I am doing now and that leads me to this horrible, insatiable, empty feeling of stagnation. But for the moment I take it with a smile and the knowledge that come September it all changes for me.

I think the reason that I am expressing this is so that anyone out there who is in pursuit of his or her dreams can understand that there are going to be moments of extreme elevation. Moments where the world seems so small below you because you are advancing at an unbelievable rate. And then there are the other times. The times when the taunts and jabs from your coworkers makes you feel small. Unimportant. Worse than shit on the bottom of the shoe. As if YOU don’t matter one lick.

One thing I am coming to understand and ADMIRE is that the kitchen is its own beast. The people within it operate to the beat of their own drum. Sometimes those around you share that perversion and at others not. BUT, the most important part is to remain true to yourself.

While I may be in a period of stagnation I think that is to be expected. Here I am a 33 year old newbie reaching for the stars. I have all the ability in the world to process knowledge but am in a period, I believe, where that knowledge is being put to the test.

Take for instance the grill. Ultimately all I can learn from the grill is how to do my Mise en Place. How to organize and set up my station. How to read a board. Speed. Timing. Delivery. These are all things that I have learned and that each week I fine tune from one to the next. I can appreciate what I am doing now without complaint but it bothers me that I am out of the kitchen. Out of my home. Away from the place that I pick up all kinds of knowledge that I am not being taught but rather stealing. I use the term stealing because it is not something they want me learning yet or even considering. But I pay attention. I look around. I watch. I LEARN.

So while I know that for myself I am in a period of stagnation I too know that others have been in the same spot that I am currently. AND I ADMIRE THEM. I can name them. I can learn much from them. But for now I am relegated to the minor leagues and my own personal hell. Which ultimately will bring me back to the kitchen.

I believe the line goes; “The winter of our discontent.” Only it is summer. I long to be back in the kitchen full time. To be able to show what I have learned. To work a station. TO SHOW WHAT I CAN DO and not out of some delusion of grandeur or ego.

I will be back with another post shortly. In the meantime consider this; Da Vinci once said; “Iron rusts from disuse; water loses its purity from stagnation ... even so does inaction sap the vigour of the mind.” No one could ever accuse me of inaction. At least that is something. Right?

Are you dreaming big and inspired?

What’s holding you back? GO!

A la prochaine

SDM