Humble Pie (file under Realizations)

Yesterday I had a meeting with the Director of Operations and Executive Chef of Reservation. When I left my current job I put my Ipod on and started walking toward Reservation. Like the universe was trying to tell me something the soundtrack of my walk could not have been more perfect. First, “Good Day,” followed by “A Change is Gonna to Come,” and then finally “Daydreamer.” As I walked, as I usually do, with a purposeful walk, I stopped at the park by Reservation and thought for a minute. Less about what I was going to say and much more about what they would.

It was hard for me to leave Reservation. As I have mentioned on this blog before it was not a decision that I made lightly. Going back to speak with them also was not a decision I made lightly. It required me to acknowledge that I had made a mistake. And a big one at that. A heaping helping of honest humble pie. Which in this case I was only to happy to eat. I feel that both the DOP and Executive Chef knew this when I was leaving. In fact, I recalled yesterday, as I have many days since I left, that the DOP had said to me that; “You can never come back.” This thought kept playing in my mind. Because I felt it had less to do with me as a person and instead represented a philosophical direction of thought.

As I approached I realized just how weird it was to enter the building from the front door. There were many happy faces to see me Sous Chef A, Chef B and even Chef J all seemed truly happy to see me. Beyond the fact that it had been a few months since I had seen them it felt as if they knew before I said anything that I wanted to come back and that I had realized the mistake that I had made.

Everyone seemed really happy that I was there. I made sure to quickly go over to my guy L and give him a big hug. A massive smile perched on his face in that telling way that always makes you feel good. I certainly did.

My plan had been, according to the syntax of my mind, to speak with the DOP first and get his permission to ask Executive Chef for my job back. When I got there he told me that he was indisposed for a few minutes so I went and spoke with Sous Chef A and Chef B for a minute or two over a smoke and then went to speak with Executive Chef.

Butterflies do not even begin to cover it. When I approached the office door he was on the phone and looked up and a smile came over his face and he lifted the tell tale hold on a minute finger. He got off the phone and I extended my hand which was graciously received. I asked if he had a few minutes to speak. Naturally he did despite being up to his ass in paperwork.

I started by acknowledging that I had made a mistake and further that I thought that both he and the DOP had known this. That care of my experiences of the last four months I became aware of my mistake. He asked where I was and what I was doing and then had to take a phone call from a friend that he had not seen since 2007.

As I sat there while he was on the phone I realized just how much I missed everyone there. The camaraderie that had developed there. The lessons I had learned. And those left to learn. He spoke for a few minutes and then got off the phone and looked at me ready to continue to our conversation.

I told him what I was doing. How I handled the daily soups and specials as a means of trying to teach myself where I was currently working. I told him about the covers I was responsible for every day, etc. It was less pleading my case (as I had at first expected I would do) and more a way of acknowledging how I had become a better cook as a result of this experience not to mention a better person. Someone worthy of being, once again, part of the brigade.

In the past month I have realized that I submitted myself about 90 percent when I was first at Reservation. I had let go of just enough of myself to cause the internal dialogue that caused me to leave. As a result of my inability to see or understand exactly how much I was learning and a growing frustration with perceived “injustice” (for lack of a better word) I had to go. I explained this to Executive Chef and moreover that I was willing to submit myself 100 percent to the process this time around. To be a better cook, a better student and a better person as a result.

I explained that it was (as I’ve said here) my desire to go down to NYC once I have a solid foundation from which to grow and expand my skill set. I explained that I felt I was at least a year to a year and a half away from being able to do that. That where I was currently was merely slinging food and would in no way help me get to where I want to go. Implication and outwardly stating that Reservation was, to my view, one of the only avenues I have in Toronto to get the education that I want and need to fulfill my life legacy and dreams.

He listened intently. Gracefully. Graciously. With the wisdom of a teacher who has accepted the fault of his student. Truth be told I was a little shocked by the way I was received. It made me feel good.

He looked at me after a good back and forth of about fifteen minutes and said that he had to think about it. That he wanted me to come back when he would have a list of things for us to discuss before he could make his decision. I said I understood and placed myself firmly in his hands. That meeting is set for Tuesday. Somewhere inside I think it is dripping with irony that I am returning to meet with him after work on St. Patrick’s Day.

Shortly after he and I spoke the DOP and I meet up in the garbage area where I was having a smoke with Chef B and Sous Chef A. After our cigarettes he motioned for us to go to the dining room. My conversation with him went closely to the one with Executive Chef. He also told me that there are things that go on in the kitchen that are not readily apparent sometimes. That the absence of certain things may not in fact me an absence at all. Moreover that sometimes, in the building of a brigade, the team member may not be aware of what is happening but it does not mean that something is not happening. Such as learning or aiding in the formation of a good brigade member. I agreed and listened intently.

He told me that in his experience he does not take people back. That he believes in building loyalty and a team that functions at a high level. I expressed my belief that I could sit there and blow smoke up his ass but instead wanted to approach this from a fresh perspective and honestly. That I acknowledged my mistake and that I only realized how much I learned there after I left. Again we spoke about my NYC plans and that I felt the only way I could get there in the city of Toronto is by submitting myself fully to the regiment designed for me at Reservation. He said that he and Executive Chef would speak about it last night but that ultimately it was Executive Chefs decision.

I could not gage whether or not the DOP was against my coming back. Whereas I believe that Chef J, Chef B and Sous Chef A would all like to see me back. In fact, Sous Chef A told me that on Tuesday when I come back I should bring my knives and my Chef clothes and just get changed and start helping when I get there. Jump on Sauce with him and just start helping. Even if, after our meeting, Executive Chef told me that this could not happen, that I should jump back on Sauce with him and help. As such, what do you think I plan on doing on Tuesday?

All in all it was a great meeting. All in all I came to realize more completely why I respected both Executive Chef and the DOP. And why I missed the restaurant. So I hope that in the coming days I can answer the questions and concerns of Executive Chef so I can once again jump in, full hat, to resume anew, my destiny.

Henry Miller once wrote; “Every man has his own destiny: the only imperative is to follow it, to accept it, no matter where it leads him.”

Are you dreaming big and inspired?

A la prochaine

SDM